Kelty Press
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Family
Ties Quotient |
HOW STRONG ARE YOUR FAMILY TIES?
When you step forward, will your parents step
back?
PEOPLE REMEMBER BETTER positive
rather than negative
family events and issues, according to a recent study. We
want to believe good things about our respective families, so
we smooth over the sharp edges of harsh words from bygone
quarrels. With our parents, we tend to remember earlier days
when they were not beset by persistent pain and discomfort.
We minimize differences so we can feel better about them.
Unfortunately, when late-in-life crises arise, this tendency
to minimize unresolved differences may lead to painful confrontations.
For example, a daughter who has a strong need of
parental approval may be irreparably hurt when either or both
parents interpret her well-meaning inquiries about finances as
underhanded maneuvers to get her inheritance early.
I have seen this happen among friend
and clients. In one instance, a female client in her mid-40s was
so taken back by
her father’s anger that she pulled back completely from
involvement in their planning. “I just can’t believe that
he is
acting this way,” she confided sorrowfully.
His actions were not surprising to
me. I had met her father several years earlier and felt firsthand
the depth of his suspicions
towards anyone who asked questions about his legal or
financial affairs. I also witnessed his patronizing treatment
towards his wife and her docile acceptance of his dominant manners.
After that meeting I concluded that the father’s
domineering attitudes did not allow the family to work well
together, a supposition that was confirmed later by his open
distrust of the most loyal of his three daughters.
Witnessing firsthand these awful emotional collisions
has led me to develop questionnaires to highlight the strengths
and weaknesses of family emotional ties. I have labeled the
numerical scores of these questionnaires as the Family Ties
Quotient (FTQ).
These questionnaires, while not scientific, can indicate
the strength of familial bonds among parents and their children.
During my 14+ years of conducting family consultations, I
have identified three loose classifications of family ties: great,
mixed and terrible.
Great FTQ families come closest to the Leave-it-to-Beaver
ideal of family relations. Dad and Mom know their life spans
are limited. While each still has his and her full faculties
they seek legal and financial assistance to set their affairs in order.
They execute power of attorney documents for asset management
and health care. They establish a trust and complete
their burial arrangements. They conduct family meetings
where their arrangements are discussed openly.
When Dad or Mom suffers a severe health setback, each
family member knows how the legal and financial matters will
unfold. This certainty better enables family members to support
each other through the progressive stages of grieving.
In my unscientific sampling, approximately 20% of families
enjoy such positive relations. Delightful clients, these families
normally have strong spiritual centers.
At the opposite end of the FTQ spectrum
reside fractured, dysfunctional families. These people make terrible
clients.
Fears of an uncertain afterlife cause parents to cling desperately
to life. Either no legal and financial plans have been set in
place and members flail about angrily, or legal and financial
plans have been executed that pit family members against one
another. Bitter lawsuits and hateful actions poison family relations
for succeeding generations. From my experience,
approximately 20% of families suffer such terrible relations.
That leaves 60% of families exhibiting mixed FTQ characteristics.
Legal and financial plans may or may not exist. If
they exist, such plans may be incomplete or outdated.
Spiritual values range dramatically. Individual family members
vary in knowledge about long-term care issues. Some
family members feel validated, others feel betrayed. These
families muddle through end-of-life crises, with many members
mourning fitfully for years afterward.
These questionnaires were developed to help
adult offspring identify positive and negative parental traits and
devise
action plans suited to their situation. My scoring reflects
the 20-60-20 percentages discussed above.
Family Ties Quotient Scoring
