About the Book
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Excerpts
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INTRODUCTION
Barbara, the Good Daughter
Caring for the Caregiver
I love my job. I love my parents. I love my husband. Barbara is a
slender woman with long, elegant arms and graceful hands. Barbara is
the good daughter, the reliable child who assumes caretaking responsibilities
because her two brothers will not. We are seated at a round table with
stacks of her parents papers arrayed before her. She extends her arms
and begins touching each pile of paper in rapid succession. But this
is what I feel like I am doing, she says: I am just so busy trying
to do everything.
She confesses that John, her husband, recently vented
his frustration. I
have a great husband. He cooks for us, has dinner ready when I come home.
But the other day, taking care of my parents got to him. She tells of
her husband confronting her needy father. He told my Dad You know,
the world doesnt revolve around you. My Dad got all huffy. John was
taking him to the doctor. John told my Dad I love you, Dad, thats why
Im telling you this. But you only think about yourself. You dont think
about how your demands to drive you here and there and do this and
that affect other people.
Her father was miffed at John. He pouted for several
days. Yet the relationship between the two men improved. Barbara observed: Coming
from a non-blood relative, my father was better able to handle it.
Setting boundaries. As aging parents lose capabilities they become more
willing to accept assistance from their children. They concede responsibilities
because of their diminishing faculties; the children become parents to
their parents. Yet the changeover seldom goes smoothly. Dad and Mom request
help yet protest the loss of control. Emotions eddy and swirl as responsible
children step forward to support parents who vacillate between appreciation
and resentment.
With occasional help from her two brothers, Barbara
and her husband provide almost daily assistance to her parents. John
typically prepares
enough food to feed both families. Barbara manages her parents checking
accounts. As evidenced by her solo visit to our office, she seeks professional
guidance to assist her aging parents.
She does the work willingly, but her resentment is
rising; towards her brothers, her parents, her responsibilities at
work. When she views her
feelings objectively, she realizes she misses having free time. We dont
fellowship at our church like we used to, she confides: And I just
dont have time to exercise regularly.
Her parents have encouraged her to pay herself out
of their funds for the work she does for them. But Barbara is apprehensive
about taking
any of her parents money. Occasionally she accepts cash for gas money.
However, her desire not to take advantage of her position keeps her from
accepting more.
When asked about vacations or get-away weekends for
she and John, Barbara laughs wearily and states: We dont take vacations.
Well, maybe they should take vacations. A system
could be established where Dad or Mom writes a check each month for
$200 that goes into The
Barbara and John Get-Away Weekend Fund. Barbaras eyes light up. Wow,
a weekend away, she says dreamily. Then she confides that $200 per month
was the exact amount her parents had suggested paying her.
Bingo. A compromise solution has been identified that minimizes the
payment-for-work aspect and maximizes fun-and-gracious-appreciation element.
Two hundred dollars per month would not come close to compensating Barbara
and John for the assistance they provide. However, such appreciation
payments would go a long ways towards reducing their resentment and also
give her parents opportunity to express their appreciation.
Her intimate exposure to the need for extra income for long-term care
services has made Barbara aware of the need to plan for she and her husband.
She has begun investigating long-term care insurance.
Another Excerpt...Chapter One
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